My secret superpower

I heard a sermon once that it's main line was "what if our inward emotions matched our outward appearance".  Up until very recently I thought I was doing ok at my emotions, but then I realized, like Bruce Banner in the Avengers...I'm always angry.

I have this anger inside of me that I've probably had since birth. I'm angry at everyone and everything.I am angry at my mother and the way she criticizes every action or thought I have. I am angry at my father for never really being there. I am even angry at my sister in law for holding a grudge over something that doesn't even include her (the irony of holding a grudge against someone holding a grudge is not lost, I promise). I am angry at myself for all the decisions that have failed. I am angry at myself for listening to my mother's criticisms and not my own voice. I am angry at myself and my decision to hide my feelings through food. I am even angry at God. I am angry at His decision to take people I care about out of my life, I am angry at His decision to not give me what I desire. I am angry at life for the situations and struggles I was given. But my most important anger is that I am angry at myself for always being so damn angry.

I hold this tiny part of me that wishes my anger could be used as a superpower. Save lives and get the boy hehe, but mostly I know that this anger is holding me back; in life, in love, in every choice I make, this anger is crippling me. So from now until eternity I'm not holding back. I promise to always express my anger, whether though telling you, telling this blogger world, or taking it out with some target practice at the local shooting range. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem...so here's to the next step.

Mommy

So I know I was supposed to tell you all about the great things of God I had been witnessing and doing, but Monday night Mother Nature decide to hit with that lovely week long memo that I'm not pregnant. Only this time, instead of just physically kicking my butt over my non mommy status, I think she has stepped up her game. There is literally a depression in my body over the fact that I'm not pregnant. Part of that terrifies me and part of that makes me happy.
 I'm happy over the fact that if my body didn't care then I wouldn't care. If I didn't care, then I'd make no effort to change that single status on my Facebook. When I say change, I don't mean going out with every guy that winks at me, I mean bettering myself so that I know who I am should God place the right man in front of me.
The terrifying part is if this waiting for the right man takes too long, will this depression start to grow? Will my faith hold out for Mr. Right? Will my bank account handle all the ice cream and mint M&M's?
My desire to have kids is not something I take lightly; it's something I KNOW I was called to do. Good days and bad, I was meant to do it. Something that doesn't help the fact is that two fo my best friends are pregnant. They are both my age and both married to wonderful men and fathers. I suppose it helps to think about how I want to be a mom in the right way. No shared custody, No crossing state lines to visit daddy, No arguing about child support. My mother did that with both my sister and I. Some of my other friends are going through that now. So maybe writing this blog helped me because I chose to suffer this once a month depression rather than lifelong hassle of the problems above. Actually to be perfectly honest, I'm starting birth control again to avoid this monthly memo and this depression; at least that's the hope. I think that's the key here, hope is the answer to all fear and depression.

LIfe Update

So it's Saturday night and you know where I'm at...church. I'm ok with that because it's my life, well actually God is, but I can't do it alone so I have a church. But the reason I'm writing isn't to preach (come back Monday) but to keep you filled on my life.

First, I'm a horribly messy eater. I have spilled my super yummy soup like 3 times since starting this blog. Also spilt Coke on me when I arrived at church.
Second, my uncle is a whiny baby after surgery but hilarious when on drugs. He gets out of his surgery ok and this morning while on pain meds he says " I think I need some pot". Mom and I both start laughing and he just says " it was the medicine I swear" 
Finally, I have discovered a new time wasting activity thanks to a certain sorority sister. Bitstrips. You can make comic strips of you and friends...I am in love with it. The only downside is it isn't mobile :(

Anyway more to come Monday.

Shameless plug!!!

So this is me shamelessly plugging my other blog! How to flirt with a (single) pastor. For real go check it put and give me advice! Unless you hate it then do not say a word to me. Goodnight y'all!

Hello World

So hello blogger sphere. This is not my first blog, an it's not my last. This is however the blog I hope to use for the rest of my life. A little about me, I am Amber Marie Phillips. I have discovered over the past year my intense love of God. That's not to say I didn't love Him before but that we just deepened our relationship. Like that friend that everyone has; you turn to Him for advice on your life, but one day you wake up to find you are absolutely in love with Him. The best part is He loved me before I loved Him and He loves me even more now. Ok now that I've officially lost you, I'm gonna tell you more about me. I was going to school to be a teacher but God slapped me with the calling of being a youth evangelist. I live at home with my mother who may be the only person who reads this(Hi Mom!) and I own a beautiful black lab/chow mix. I love TV and movies. The exception is horror, zombies, and aliens. I love almost all music and adore singing. To sum me up in one sentence; I am a funny, flirtatious woman of God. Here's hoping that doesn't change and here's to you sticking through my ad-lib filled life!